Well written. Over the years i drank way too much (still do from time to time). I used to drink 20 beers and then take Tylenol pm to help me sleep. Was I trying to do something bad, probably. Did I know it, probably not. I’m a 90s veteran of the places we’ve forgotten about. Somolia, Rwanda, Bosnia. No one cared back then because there were so few of us. I managed thru life. Have had a great family and career but always felt pain inside that I numbed with alcohol. I think I’ve gotten thru the worst. At 50 I feel better. But anxiety still tears it’s head from time to time. I’m glad you found something to help you. Thank you for writing this. The battle you had with yourself is always worse than anything the outside world can do.
Hey Ryan; thank you so much for your comment. I was in a PTSD program with a marine who'd been in Rwanda, two of my old bosses (my first sergeant at drum and my sergeant major at monroe) had been in somalia, and another one of my old bosses (another sergeant major) was in Bosnia, so I know none of those were easy and you guys saw and did some shit that's hard to forget. I gotta say, the constant refrains of "thank you for your service" from "people who cared" but really didn't want to hear what it was like were their own special form of hell.
but I don't envy the feeling you must've had knowing that most people didn't even know your wars were on, you know what I mean?
I'm glad you're back, I'm glad you seem to be doing ok now, but I know about how the anxiety can rear its head from time to time.
This is just based on observation of other people I've been in treatment with; a lot of guys who got back say from Vietnam or Panama and then stuffed that shit down, got a job, built a family, etc started to come unglued again around their fifties or sixties.
I think when they started to slow down and weren't able to use work as a coping mechanism, so be cautious, as you know this stuff is unpredictable and just when we think we've got the hatches closed, a bolt pops off (or whatever metaphor you want to use).
If you send me an email to "thehuntfortomclancy at protonmail dot com" I will give you my phone number, and please always feel free to use it. Informal networks of soldiers do a better job of looking out for one another than the institutions, I've found.
Thank you for reading and for sharing that with me, again, I'm glad you made it back. Peace.
Thank you. I have been getting help for a couple of years now. I am in a group at the VA. But you’re right about having others who’ve been thru stuff around you. I have a Navy seal friend I talk with at work. We still carry weapons for a living and work with many gung-ho warrior types. I said to him one day about what it’s like to actually hear a gun being fired at you or the actual sheer ear breaking noise that comes with a gun being fired without hearing protection. We both laughed. I tried to break out and hang out with people who’ve never been anywhere but college. It was fun for a while. But they could never relate. When people start talking about college parties and you think about how you carried an m16 and was in the Horn of Africa it’s tough to connect. I also feel guilty sometimes. You said so many things in that post. One was about hating DC. I used to love it. But now all I see is selfish people and politicians. I am there for work from time to time. It’s not a happy place. I also love what was said about the pain. It’s something that hurts. But it’s also something that I don’t want to forget because it’s part of me. Thank you for the offer and I may take you up on it. But I also don’t ever want to be someone’s burden. I have people now that I relate to. Please keep up this type of writing. I seriously haven’t felt like something hit me like this in a long time if ever.
Well written. Over the years i drank way too much (still do from time to time). I used to drink 20 beers and then take Tylenol pm to help me sleep. Was I trying to do something bad, probably. Did I know it, probably not. I’m a 90s veteran of the places we’ve forgotten about. Somolia, Rwanda, Bosnia. No one cared back then because there were so few of us. I managed thru life. Have had a great family and career but always felt pain inside that I numbed with alcohol. I think I’ve gotten thru the worst. At 50 I feel better. But anxiety still tears it’s head from time to time. I’m glad you found something to help you. Thank you for writing this. The battle you had with yourself is always worse than anything the outside world can do.
Hey Ryan; thank you so much for your comment. I was in a PTSD program with a marine who'd been in Rwanda, two of my old bosses (my first sergeant at drum and my sergeant major at monroe) had been in somalia, and another one of my old bosses (another sergeant major) was in Bosnia, so I know none of those were easy and you guys saw and did some shit that's hard to forget. I gotta say, the constant refrains of "thank you for your service" from "people who cared" but really didn't want to hear what it was like were their own special form of hell.
but I don't envy the feeling you must've had knowing that most people didn't even know your wars were on, you know what I mean?
I'm glad you're back, I'm glad you seem to be doing ok now, but I know about how the anxiety can rear its head from time to time.
This is just based on observation of other people I've been in treatment with; a lot of guys who got back say from Vietnam or Panama and then stuffed that shit down, got a job, built a family, etc started to come unglued again around their fifties or sixties.
I think when they started to slow down and weren't able to use work as a coping mechanism, so be cautious, as you know this stuff is unpredictable and just when we think we've got the hatches closed, a bolt pops off (or whatever metaphor you want to use).
If you send me an email to "thehuntfortomclancy at protonmail dot com" I will give you my phone number, and please always feel free to use it. Informal networks of soldiers do a better job of looking out for one another than the institutions, I've found.
Thank you for reading and for sharing that with me, again, I'm glad you made it back. Peace.
Thank you. I have been getting help for a couple of years now. I am in a group at the VA. But you’re right about having others who’ve been thru stuff around you. I have a Navy seal friend I talk with at work. We still carry weapons for a living and work with many gung-ho warrior types. I said to him one day about what it’s like to actually hear a gun being fired at you or the actual sheer ear breaking noise that comes with a gun being fired without hearing protection. We both laughed. I tried to break out and hang out with people who’ve never been anywhere but college. It was fun for a while. But they could never relate. When people start talking about college parties and you think about how you carried an m16 and was in the Horn of Africa it’s tough to connect. I also feel guilty sometimes. You said so many things in that post. One was about hating DC. I used to love it. But now all I see is selfish people and politicians. I am there for work from time to time. It’s not a happy place. I also love what was said about the pain. It’s something that hurts. But it’s also something that I don’t want to forget because it’s part of me. Thank you for the offer and I may take you up on it. But I also don’t ever want to be someone’s burden. I have people now that I relate to. Please keep up this type of writing. I seriously haven’t felt like something hit me like this in a long time if ever.
Lucky to have you in my life, my friend.